It’s Not About The Sex

I interviewed over 40 men recently about their challenges in marriage. Their main concerns were:

-not knowing what to do when their wives are emotional.

-knowing how to validate their wives even though they disagree with them.

-the challenges of working together as a team and being on the same page.

-feeling like a failure in the marriage because of the wives’ criticism.

=believing they were very capable at work but inadequate at home.

What was interesting about the interviews was that the complaint about their sex life was only mentioned by a few. Now, I don’t believe that this was an indicator of it being not important to the interviewees. In fact, a little more questioning revealed just the opposite. And, I realize my sample of men I interviewed could have been quite different than the general population. However, their top concern was not about them just meeting their physical and sexual needs. It was about the emotional state of the relationship. They seemed to be very aware that without the emotional connection and stability of their relationship with their wives, the sexual relationship was going to be negatively affected.

So this challenges the stereotype that men only think about sex when it comes to their intimate relationship. Is it important? Yes. For many men that is how their need for connection is met. Do they realize that there is more to the relationship than sex. I believe so. I am seeing it more and more in my counseling and coaching. “Kudos’ ‘ for you guys that are working hard on the relationship because of your love and dedication to your wives. A great sexual relationship is one of the wonderful benefits of this.