What Makes Marriages Work

Why is it that some marriages make it and some do not. As a marriage therapist I have seen literally hundreds of couples come into my office looking for help. Usually, the discussion moves quickly to blaming and accusing with a sprinkle of defensiveness. Trust might had been broken for a myriad of reasons and fear of getting hurt again raises its head accordingly. Same stories with different faces.

I have been asked a number of times by friends over coffee or even strangers on airplanes, “What do you think really keeps couples together. I have usually answered quite adamantly, “commitment.” And while I still believe this is a major reason for holding on through what inevitably will be challenging times for any couple, I have decided to amend my answer. I believe it is important to clarify to what one is committed.

There are really two kinds of commitment. There is commitment to the covenant of marriage. The decision that no matter what, one is going to do whatever it takes to keep the promise that was made to the other partner. This means that all other options are off the table and the back door is closed. This when you hear couples say, “we made a promise never to say the 'D' word (divorce) and we never have.” While this kind of commitment is commendable, I have seen some pretty miserable marriages where this was the only kind of commitment keeping them together.

I believe there is another kind of commitment that important. There is a type of commitment to the relationship that has intentional movement to enriching the relationship. This kind of commitment to the marriage does what it needs to do to improve, build, and develop the overall health and depth of the relationship. This commitment works through issues and does not hide from them. It intentionally finds ways to build up the other person, develops an atmosphere that is pleasant, and respects their partner.

A favorite radio talk show host floored me the other day when he was asked the very same question, “What keeps marriages together.” The person calling him was challenged to come up with his own answer and it was just like the one I had given before, “Divorce was never an option.” What surprised me was that the talk show host, whom I greatly admire, disagreed with him. The host went on to say that if someone goes to their work with the guarantee that they could never get fired, what kind of production or attitude do you think they would have. He said, he believes divorce should always be an option because you work harder at a job where you could get fired.

After 33 years of marriage, I believe both kinds of commitment are necessary. We have never mentioned the “D” word and we have both worked hard at having a rich and fulfilling marriage. We never thought about getting fired from each other, but we also were not going to settle for a marriage of convenience or frustration. What kind of commitment is that?