February is Heart Ache Month

February is National Heart Month. This month reminds me of a pain my heart experienced exactly a year ago that has not gone away. My good friends Ron and Nan Deal lost their 12 year old son to a deadly virus. His name was Connor. February 17, 2009 is when he left this earth after a short 10 day battle for his life.

I have wrestled all year with the dance of encourager, supporter, and friend. We don’t really lean on each other for financial support as our businesses are independent of each other even though we office together. However, I was faced with a responsibility of being an emotional supporter to my good friend through what would be a year full of “firsts” as he grieved his son’s death. I don’t think I did very well. It was an awkward dance not knowing what to do or when to do it.

We have had several talks this year. I would watch him sob as he released his pain. I could only partially relate. I too have suffered deep pain in my life, even pain around my sons, but never as deeply and as intense as I knew he was suffering. I felt inept. All I could do was sit, listen, reflect what I heard from him, and pray all the while silently that somehow, someway this profound sadness would someday be lifted. I’ve told him several times that I wish I could reach into his heart and take that pain away. I meant it each time. 

It has been my honor to sit with him while he processed some of his emotions. I heard the confusing emotions of a father’s pride covered in pain as he would remember his beloved son. I heard anger at those who grew impatient with his families’ grieving process. I also heard anger at the absence of those who said they cared for him and his family. 

I can understand the plight those who do love this family had as they were faced with what to do. This feeling of awkward helplessness can be paralyzing. How do you even start a conversation that you are not sure the grievers want to have at that moment. I was fortunate. I could pop into his office or he in mine and just start talking. Even then, I wanted to give him enough space so he could function as the provider for his family while also being close enough to show my love and concern. Like I said, I don’t think I did very well.

Here is what I have learned this year. Grieving is messy. There is no clean way to go through the grief or to support those going through it. But I do know there are several ways to fail miserably as a support system. First, do nothing. I would receive many queries about how the Deal’s were doing. While I believe each was heartfelt, the need to go to them directly is still paramount. I can hear my dad tell me, “Son, don’t just stand there, do something, even if it is wrong.” In supporting those in grief, the only wrong thing to do is to do nothing. Second, push. Even those who have lost children in their own lives can forget the pain of especially the first year after the death of the child. There is no destination on the grieving scale the family is “suppose” to be at if they are progressing. 

I keep saying, I don’t think I did very well with Ron this year. I think this feeling is really common. I can’t fix his pain. His eyes still flood with tears at the memory of his son. His family has been forever affected and changed. I walk out of Ron’s presence after talking about this loss not sure if I caused more pain. This is why grieving and supporting those in their grief is so messy. It is tough just “being there” while the heart is aching and there is no way to relieve this ache. 

I know February will always be Heart Ache Month for the Deal family. And it will be a reminder to me of the importance of supporting those in their grief… no matter how inadequate we feel in the process. Ron, Nan, Braden & Brennan, many of us have kept you in our prayers all year. They will be especially with you on the 17th of this month. We know and  pray that Connor’s memory will never fade, but the pain of his absence will.

The Deal’s would be honored for you to learn more about Connor, his life and his music. Visit www.rondeal.org/go/Connor